Don't rub

I have less than fifty seconds to write this if I want to put it up before the deadline I set for myself.

It's an artifical deadline and it means nothing. Twenty seconds.

But I sit here, and realize an hour has bassed and I did not accomplish anything I wanted. Five seconds.

And then - time's up - I rub my eyes because it is dry due to having the heater on. Now my eye's hurt.

I'm not sure what I am doing or what. Four minutes just passed and I don't even know how or why or what I'm doing.

I spent the day with my son. That was fun. Then I took him home, did a Sealed tournament and fucked up hard. I feel like an idiot. I shouldn't, but I do. Because I don't feel like I'm capable of learning or improving at anything.

I am drowning in self-pity. This is no good.

Eleven minutes late.